Tips for Co-Parenting After a Divorce
Your child didn't choose this divorce, but you can choose how it affects their future. The way you and your ex-partner navigate co-parenting will shape your child's emotional wellbeing, relationships, and sense of security for years to come. While divorce marks the end of your marriage, it's the beginning of a new parenting partnership that puts your child's needs first.
The Marriage is Over, So What Now?
In my practice, I see many couples who are either contemplating divorce or have just made the decision to separate. They come in overwhelmed, not just by the end of the relationship, but by everything that comes next:
“How do we tell the kids?”
“How do we make decisions together when we can barely be in the same room?”
Most of the time, communication has broken down significantly. There's anger, there's hurt, and both people are stuck rehashing the same wounds that led to the separation in the first place.
One of the first things we do is try to reframe the relationship, not fix it. What you're building now is a business partnership, and like any good business partnership, your decisions need to be structured around logic rather than emotion. That shift alone can take so much of the heat out of the conversation.
If you and your ex-partner are not emotionally prepared to start the co-parenting journey, we recommend family therapy for the two of you to work through communication barriers and start working better as a team for your children.
What is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting is a shared parenting arrangement where both parents remain actively involved in their child's life after separation or divorce. Unlike parallel parenting where contact is minimal, co-parenting requires direct communication, cooperation, and collaboration between both parents. The focus shifts from the failed romantic relationship to a functional parenting partnership.
This approach means making joint decisions about your child's education, healthcare, and daily routines regardless of personal feelings toward your ex-partner. It requires setting aside anger, resentment, and hurt to create consistency and stability in your child's life. Co-parenting recognizes that your child deserves access to both parents and benefits from their continued involvement.
Co-parenting is not easy, and we understand that, so we put together resources in the rest of this article to help you and your ex-partner navigate this already difficult time with your child in mind.
How Effective Co-Parenting Benefits Children Going Through a Divorce
Children thrive when they maintain strong relationships with both parents after a divorce. Research consistently shows that kids who experience effective co-parenting adjust better emotionally and academically. Here's how your commitment to co-parenting directly helps your child.
Provides Emotional Stability and Security
When children see their parents working together, they feel safer and more secure despite the family changes. They don't have to worry about taking sides or losing one parent's love. This consistency helps reduce anxiety and gives children permission to love both parents without guilt.
Models Healthy Conflict Resolution
Your child learns how to handle disagreements by watching you. When you communicate respectfully with your ex-partner, you teach your child that people can disagree without being cruel. These lessons will serve them throughout their lives in relationships, friendships, and professional settings.
The most important things we can teach our children are how to love, how to repair relationships, and how to treat other people (including themselves). Divorce will put every one of those lessons to the test. How you and your ex-partner show up during this time will determine whether your child comes out of it having learned those things, or having learned the opposite.
Reduces Loyalty Conflicts
Children shouldn't feel caught in the middle or forced to choose between parents. Co-parenting eliminates the tug-of-war that damages children emotionally. When both parents present a united front, children can focus on being kids instead of managing adult conflicts.
It doesn't take two to tango when it comes to co-parenting. If your ex is too hurt or angry to cooperate right now, you can still choose to be kind, collaborative, and steady. Hold firm boundaries where you need to, refuse to pull your child into adult conflict, and let your silence be your defense when things get heated. What you cannot do is say "I can't deal with this person" and leave your child alone to manage that relationship. Your child deserves at least one adult who can stay steady for them, and that parent can be you.
Maintains Important Relationships
Your child needs both of you, along with extended family members on both sides. Co-parenting preserves connections with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that enrich your child's life. These relationships provide additional support and love during a difficult transition.
Tips to Help Make Co-Parenting Easier
Co-parenting takes practice, patience, and a willingness to put your child first even when it's uncomfortable. The following strategies will help you build a functional co-parenting relationship that serves your child's best interests. Remember that small consistent efforts create lasting positive changes.
Keep Communication Child-Focused
Every conversation with your ex-partner should center on your child's needs, schedules, and wellbeing. Avoid bringing up past relationship issues, financial disputes, or personal criticisms. Use email, text, or co-parenting apps to keep conversations documented and on track. When you do speak, imagine your child is listening because the tone you use matters.
Create Consistent Rules Between Households
Children feel more secure when expectations remain similar in both homes. Work together to establish consistent bedtimes, homework routines, and discipline approaches. This doesn't mean everything must be identical, but core values and major rules should align. Consistency reduces confusion and helps children know what to expect.
Never Badmouth Your Ex in Front of Your Child
Your child is half you and half your ex-partner, so criticizing their other parent damages their self-esteem. Keep negative feelings to yourself or share them with a therapist, not your child. Children who hear parents disparage each other often feel they must defend the criticized parent or hide their own feelings. This creates unnecessary emotional burden and forces them into an adult role.
Here's something worth sitting with: when we make a vow to "love, honor, and cherish" our spouse, that vow doesn't have to end with the marriage. Even after divorce, you can continue to love, honor, and cherish your children's other parent, not necessarily as a romantic partner, but as the person your child needs them to be. That reframe changes everything.
Be Flexible and Willing to Compromise
Life happens, and schedules need adjustments. Approach changes with flexibility rather than rigidity, knowing that someday you'll need that same grace. Compromise on the small stuff to maintain goodwill for bigger decisions ahead. Your willingness to be reasonable encourages your ex-partner to reciprocate.
Respect the Other Parent's Time
When your child is with your ex-partner, resist the urge to call constantly or interrupt their time together. Your child needs to be fully present in each home without feeling divided. Trust that your ex-partner is capable unless there are legitimate safety concerns. This respect helps your child relax and enjoy time with both parents.
Prioritize Family Therapy for Your Child
This divorce might feel right to you and your partner, but your child likely won’t see it that way and most divorces are traumatic events in a child’s life. Teenagers are especially at risk during divorce because they will often suppress their feelings and make it difficult for parents to see the pain they are working through. Professional support makes an enormous difference in how children process divorce.
A qualified therapist gives your child a safe space to express feelings they might hide from you to protect your feelings. Therapy helps children develop healthy coping strategies and process the grief that comes with family changes. Consider a therapy session for your child as well as co-parenting counseling for you so that you are prepared to help guide your child through this major life change happening in their life.
Family Therapy in South Jersey
At GIA Institute, we understand that divorce is one of the most challenging experiences a family can face. Our compassionate therapists specialize in helping children and families navigate the emotional complexities of separation and co-parenting relationships. We offer individual therapy for children processing divorce (and for a parent processing their recent separation), family therapy sessions to improve communication, and co-parenting support to help you build a healthier partnership.
Don't wait to get your child the support they need during this critical time. Contact GIA Institute today to schedule an appointment and take the first step toward helping your child thrive despite the challenges your family is facing. Your child's emotional wellbeing is worth the investment.
As relational therapists, we believe that working with a therapist who “gets” you - one who you trust can help you - is the foundation for successful therapy. To ensure the best possible match, we'll schedule a consultation to discuss your specific needs and preferences. We'll consider your cultural background and identity, your goals, and your financial situation to help connect you with a therapist who is right for you.
For in-person sessions in South Jersey, our office is located in downtown Somers Point, NJ. For your convenience, we also offer online sessions for anyone in New Jersey.
