The Day My Daughter Taught Me About Consent
There are moments in parenting that catch you off guard—not just the “Oh, they decided to give each other haircuts again” kind, but the kind that leaves you thinking your six-year-old kid just outgrew you in emotional intelligence.
It was a typical weekday in our house. We were already running late for school (again) - my daughter was still half-dressed, her breakfast was somewhere between her mouth and the dogs, and I was chasing her, holding a hairbrush like it represented the last shred of hope we had of passing as a functioning family.
As we rounded the kitchen island for the third time, she suddenly stopped. And just as I was about to declare victory, she raised her hand to my face, fingers stretched, and shouted:
“Mommy, stop it! You can’t touch my body without my permission!”
Now, part of me was already pivoting to my next line of reasoning and how we literally had to leave for school in five minutes. But the part of my brain that wasn’t rehearsing a response to the teacher about “chronic tardiness” —and how it “may be inhibiting your child’s success”—realized I needed to pay attention to what was happening.
And as if someone pulled the camera lens back further and further, I could hear her little voice echoing in my head:
“You can’t touch my body without my permission.”
You know what, Katie Girl?
You’re damn right.
And that’s exactly what I want you to know about your body.
It’s Not Small: It’s Everything
At that moment, I realized I’d been treating her daily refusal to let me brush her hair as something irritating and small…but it’s not.
It’s her learning, early and unapologetically, that she’s her own person — in charge of her body, using her own voice and her own power — knowing she doesn’t have to give any of that up just to keep the peace — and that it should never, ever be taken without her permission.
Not just with strangers. Not just in big, dramatic moments. But in the tiny, everyday stuff. Even with her own mom.
It’s not small.
It’s everything.
And listen, I’m a therapist. I know how to talk about body safety and autonomy. “Always say ‘no’ if something feels uncomfortable.” “Tell a grown-up you trust.”
But there’s something different about living it out in real time—especially when your daughter decides you are the one crossing the boundary.
It’s humbling. It’s hilarious. It’s high-stakes hair. And it’s holy.
Letting Go Of The Brush (Control)
So what did I do? I put down the brush, shoved the running-late stress aside, and chose to show up for my daughter—actually present, not frazzled. I gave her a big “squeezy hug” and told her I was proud of her for being so sure of herself and knowing what she wants.
And then I offered her a choice:
“Would you like to brush it yourself, or would you like some help if you get stuck?”
She picked “brush it myself” (of course).
Because this isn’t just about hair — it’s the beginning of a lifelong relationship with her body, her power, and her right to say no.
And let me tell you, ever since then, her hair and clothes have been a mixture of comfort, chaos, independence, and awesomeness.
To All the Moms Raising Daughters Who Don’t Apologize For No
Here’s what I know for sure:
If we want to raise girls who walk into the world with confidence, strength, and body positivity, we have to let them own their bodies—not just in theory, but in practice. We have to let them say no…even to us.
We have to celebrate their boundaries instead of overriding them for convenience or appearances.
We have to let them be messy and wild and self-expressed in this way—even if it means (as it always does for Katie) you’re sending them to school rocking their best “I’ve got better things to do” hairstyle and wardrobe.
And yes, it takes longer. And yes, it’s frustrating and sometimes very inconvenient. But I’ll take that over her feeling like her body belongs more to others than to herself.
So here’s to the daughters who say “no.”
And here’s to the moms who listen.
And to Katie…
I’m so proud of you. Thank you for letting me be your first lesson in consent.
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